How to Have Meaningful Conversations with Your Child About School: 7 Practical Steps for Parents

Asked by Anonymous on our Parent Webinar series.

It’s probably worth starting with the full question from an anonymous parent in our webinar last week, as so many parents will relate to the details.

The full question was:

“My child does not wish to engage to discuss anything about school or her work. She just wants to be left alone to run away from these discussions. She is too afraid to look at her school report and doesn’t wish to discuss it. She will not want to reflect with us or engage on goal setting. How can we get her to open up and be willing to discuss and engage on these topics? What should we expect her to do that is age appropriate going into Y8?”

It’s not uncommon for children, especially around the transition from Year 7 to Year 8, to become more withdrawn or resistant when it comes to discussing school. For many young adolescents, school can bring a mix of stress, confusion, and growing independence. In your case, your child’s reluctance to engage with school discussions, reflect on her report, or participate in goal setting is a clear sign that she may be feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about her academic journey. Understanding her emotional landscape, and offering gentle support, will be key to helping her feel more comfortable and open up over time.

Here are practical steps that can help you slowly bridge the gap, encouraging her to open up and engage with discussions around school, without forcing her into uncomfortable territory:

1) Acknowledge and Validate Her Feelings

Your child may be avoiding discussions about school because she is feeling anxious, embarrassed, or even fearful about her performance. The first step is to acknowledge these emotions without judgement.

• Express empathy: When approaching her about school or her report, try saying something like, “I understand that it can be overwhelming to talk about school, especially after you’ve received your report. It’s okay to feel that way, and I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready to talk about it.”

• Validate her feelings: Let her know that it’s normal to feel upset or unsure, and that avoiding it doesn’t mean she’s failing or doing something wrong. This helps reduce any shame she might feel about discussing school.

This validation can make her feel safer, knowing that she won’t be judged for feeling scared or avoiding the conversation.

2) Create Low-Pressure Conversations

Rather than pushing her directly into talking about her report or schoolwork, try to create an environment where she feels like she can share when she’s ready. Instead of starting with school-specific questions, ask about her general feelings or other aspects of her life.

• Casual conversation starters: Don’t start on the pressure points. Start by discussing events and experiences that are happening around school. Starting from a place of general curiosity can help reduce the pressure she may feel around school topics.

• Let her lead the conversation: If she shares something related to school, resist the urge to immediately turn the conversation into a “discussion” about grades or expectations. Simply let her talk and guide the conversation naturally. Don’t seek to solve problems immediately, just let the conversation run, unresolved if need be. Your goal at the start should simply be getting the conversation going, without judgement or fear of the conversation turning into something else. Once these conversations become more normalised, it is easier to begin to guide them.

Sometimes, letting your child take the lead shows her that you respect her space and that you’re interested in her, not just her academic performance.

3) Introduce School-Related Topics Gently

If you want to discuss school but she is unwilling, try to bring it up in a very gentle, non-threatening way. Avoid framing it as a “talk about your report” session, as this can make her shut down. Instead, approach it from a supportive angle:

• Talk about your own experiences: Share a story from your own childhood or school days where you faced a challenge and how you overcame it. This can show her that everyone has struggles, even adults, and can help her feel more comfortable opening up.

• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of asking, “What went wrong in your report?” try asking, “Was there anything in your school year that you enjoyed or found interesting?” or “What was something that made you proud this year at school?”

This allows your child to talk about positive aspects of school without feeling the weight of discussing grades or work.

4) Introduce Reflection and Goal-Setting Gradually

Goal-setting and reflection are important aspects of academic growth, but it’s understandable that your child may not want to engage in these topics right now. Rather than pushing her into full-on reflection, consider introducing small, manageable steps to help her gradually build comfort with these concepts.

• Use non-school-related goals: Ask her about goals that don’t directly relate to school but are still important, such as activities she might want to try or personal skills she’d like to develop. This could include goals related to hobbies, sports, or even social connections.

• Make it a family activity: You can also create a family tradition of setting goals together. For example, you could sit down as a family once a week to share one personal goal you each want to achieve in the upcoming week (without directly linking this to school). This can introduce the concept of goal-setting without the pressure.

• Reframe the idea of reflection: Instead of focusing on her performance, you can talk about personal growth. For instance, “What did you learn this year that was new or interesting?” or “Is there anything that you think you could do a little differently next year that might be fun?”

These gentle steps make the idea of reflection and goal-setting feel less intimidating and more empowering.

5) Allow Space for Independence

As your child transitions into Year 8, she is beginning to experience greater independence, and her need for autonomy over her academic work and personal life is growing. Giving her the space to manage her school life while knowing that you’re there to support her can help her feel more in control.

• Set clear expectations without micromanaging: Instead of constantly checking in about school, give her the freedom to approach you when she needs help. For example, you could say, “If you ever feel like you need support with your schoolwork, I’m here, but I know you’ve got the skills to handle it.”

• Provide resources: Offer her tools or resources (e.g., study apps, planners) that could help her organise her time or manage schoolwork, but let her choose if and when she wants to use them.

This approach helps her feel more capable and trusted, which can foster a greater sense of independence and self-esteem.

6) What to Expect from a Year 8 Student

As your child enters Year 8, it’s important to recognise that this is a year of transition. Here’s what you can generally expect from her at this stage:

• Emotional growth: Year 8 is often when children start navigating more complex emotions, including heightened self-consciousness and growing self-awareness. Expect some mood swings or moments of frustration as she works to understand herself.

• Developing interests: Year 8 is a time when many students start to gravitate toward subjects or activities they’re passionate about. Encourage these interests, even if they aren’t directly tied to academics.

• Increasing need for independence: Your child will likely seek more control over her schoolwork and activities. While she might resist discussing school with you, it’s important to give her space while still offering support when she asks for it.

• Exploring identity: She may begin exploring different aspects of her identity, and this can sometimes make her reluctant to discuss certain topics, such as schoolwork, with you.

Expect gradual changes as she matures and respect her evolving need for privacy and independence.

7) Have someone else kick start the conversation

As you can see from the above, unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix to get study related conversations going. They take time and patience, and unfortunately, all relationships carry with them baggage which slows the process and provides friction. One of the easiest ways to short-cut this is to have someone else start and facilitate the conversation. For a lot of parents, Elevate’s One-on-One Academic Coaching does exactly this. Elevate’s coaches have a few major advantages:

• They’re from outside of the family, so they don’t carry the emotional baggage;

• They are young and have just been through the process themselves. Their age means that students can relate to them and they speak the same language, whilst the fact that they have only recently been through the same experiences themselves, means that students feel like they understand what they are going through.

At the end of each coaching session, our coaches set aside time to discuss the sessions with parent and student. This is a great way to highlight and praise the positive changes, building trust, whilst also discussing next steps and what students need to do. Sometimes all that is needed is short-circuiting the past to get the conversation going.

To find out more about coaching, click here.