How Do I Address the 'I can't do it' Mindset in My Child?

Asked by Anonymous in our Parent Webinar Series

As a parent, you’ve probably heard your child say "I can't do it" at some point. This might have been in reference to a particular subject (e.g "I can't do maths") or a specific type of assignment (e.g. "I can't write essays"). It’s a common refrain that many students face, and it can be frustrating to see your child limit themselves before they even try. But, how do you help your child break free from this “I can't do it” mindset?

Step 1: Acknowledge the Problem

The first step in solving any problem is to acknowledge it. Many students don't even realise they’re limiting themselves by thinking they “can’t do it”. One powerful strategy is to help them identify these limiting beliefs.

Activity: Encourage your child to list all of their subjects down in the first column of a table. After this, complete columns 2, 3 and 4 with the headings listed below:

• Heading 2 - "Can't Do": Ask your child to check if they have any subjects they feel they "can’t do". For each subject they say they "can't do", put a cross in the column next to it.

• Heading 3 - "Top Mark": What’s the highest grade or percentage they believe they can achieve in each subject? Or, if it's easier, what is the mark they think they could not get, that's just out of their reach? Put that mark in the box.

• Heading 4 - "Top Place": If they had to compete in a class or year-level exam, what do they think is the top place they could get in their year. Put that number in the final column.

e.g.

Subject	Can’t Do	Top Mark	Top Place
Maths	X	40%	Can't get in top half of the class
Biology		80%	5th in Class
English		90%	3rd in Class

This activity helps students recognise their self-imposed limits and opens up a conversation about their capabilities. You may be surprised to see how clearly they define their boundaries - and this is the first step in addressing their “I can’t” mindset.

Step 2: Understand the Causes of this Mindset

Once your child is aware of their limitations, it’s time to explore the causes. A common misconception among students is that their limits are tied to their ability. They might think, "this is the best I can do" based on past performance. Psychologist Carol Dweck calls this a fixed mindset—students believe their abilities are static and unchangeable. This results in a student giving up trying to improve results as they believe they don't have agency over the issue.

When working with students, one of our primary goals is to challenge the limiting beliefs they have about their academic abilities. For example, a student might say, “I can’t do Maths,” or “The best I can get in English is 60%”. These beliefs often become entrenched over time, but by addressing them, we can help students see their true potential.

Imagine a belief as a table with legs. The tabletop represents the belief itself, such as "I can’t do Maths". The legs are the pieces of evidence the student collects to support that belief. For instance, a student might say, “I know I can’t do Maths because I failed my last three exams”. Each failure acts as a leg, reinforcing the belief and making it feel more solid and unchangeable.

To challenge this mindset, we need to knock the legs out from under the table by showing students that the real cause of their struggles isn’t a lack of talent, but factors like poor preparation or ineffective study strategies. Once students recognise that their difficulties aren't due to fixed abilities, they can start to take control of their learning and improve their results.

Challenge the limits by asking them about their preparation for "can't do" subjects

Ask your child if they prepare for their subjects the same way top students do. Do they dedicate enough time to studying or doing homework? Do they practise with the same commitment? Do they complete the same amount of practice papers? In most cases, they’ll realise that their preparation isn’t aligned with their potential - or the preparation of top students.

By shifting focus from ability or IQ to areas they do have agency over (e.g. the way they prepare for an exam), you can show your child that they do have control over their academic success. In turn, they should come to the following conclusions:

1. They are actually in control of how well they are doing; 

2. If they change what they are doing, they are likely to change the outcome; 

3. The changes they need to make aren’t all that hard.

Step 3: Encourage Better Study Habits

Once your child has gained an understanding of their limits and the causes, it’s time to help them develop effective study strategies. One of the best tools to assist in this process is an exam planner — something we discuss further in our Crash Course on Using an Exam Planner.

By helping your child plan their study sessions, set realistic goals, and stick to a schedule, you can give them the structure they need to succeed. It’s not about being perfect, but about making consistent efforts in the right areas.

However, we know it can be difficult to initiate these kinds of conversations with your child. This is particularly true if they are already reluctant to talk about their schoolwork or study strategy. If you need help, this is one of the things we address in our 1-on-1 coaching with students. To find out more, click here.