How Do I Address My Child's Exam Anxiety Around Not Getting Full Marks?

Asked by Sachin on our parent webinar series.

Thank you, Sachin, for your insightful question. While exam anxiety is a common issue for students, the pressure to achieve 100% scores is slighty rarer to see. While striving for excellence can be beneficial, setting unachievable standards can lead to stress, reduce resilience, and negatively impact a student’s academic and personal growth. Read more about how these consequences can impact your child below - and how to prevent them.

Why Unrealistic Expectations Are Harmful

Perfection is, by definition, unachievable. When students expect to always score 100%, they set themselves up for disappointment. This mindset can:

• Damage resilience: Students unprepared for setbacks face greater challenges when problems arise.

• Create fear of failure: Mistakes and setbacks are essential for growth, but fearing them may discourage students from setting challenging goals.

• Lead to negative self-perceptions: Students may interpret failure as a reflection of their innate abilities rather than as an opportunity to learn.

The Importance of Embracing Mistakes

Building a healthy relationship with mistakes is critical. Mistakes are not an indicator of inherent failure; they are opportunities for growth. Students who accept this are more likely to:

• Embrace challenges and step out of their comfort zones;

• Use mistakes as constructive feedback to refine their learning approach;

• Develop the resilience needed to overcome setbacks;

  
  

Steps to Address Exam Anxiety and Perfectionism

1. Identify the Source of Expectations

   Speak with your child to uncover why they feel pressured to be perfect. Are external influences, such as peer pressure or teacher expectations, playing a role? Or is it a self-imposed standard? Understanding the root cause will guide the next steps.

   
   

2. Challenge the Belief

   To challenge your child's belief that they must achieve 100%, think of it as a table: the tabletop is the belief, and the legs are the supporting evidence. By challenging these "legs" with questions like "Is this belief reasonable?" or "What happens if it's not achieved?" you weaken the support, helping the belief to "collapse". This approach encourages students to view mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than reflections of their capabilities. You can read more about this approach in our article on addressing an "I can't do it" mindset in your child.

   
   

   To challenge this 'evidence', use questions like:

   • Is it realistic to expect perfection? Always getting 100% represents perfection, and no-one is perfect. Sooner or later we make mistakes, so is it reasonable to have that belief?

   • If you don’t get 100% on an exam, what do you think it says about you? Are these things actually true?

   • If you don’t achieve 100%, what is the worst thing that could happen?

   • Is it desirable to have the expectation to always get 100%? It places a lot of stress and pressure on a person. Is this worth it?

     
     

   Discuss how these beliefs impact their well-being and guide them to see the downsides of perfectionism.

   
   

3. Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

   
   

   Replace negative associations with empowering ones:

   
   

   • Failure shows you’re pushing boundaries and growing.

   • Mistakes provide valuable feedback to improve performance.

   • Challenges offer opportunities to build resilience and grit.

Recommended Resources for Parents and Students

Angela Duckworth, a psychologist from the University of Pennsylvania, has conducted extensive research on resilience and setbacks. Her book, GRIT, provides practical insights on fostering resilience and maintaining motivation. This is a must-read for understanding how to support your child’s academic journey.

You can also learn more about some of the strategies for building resilience and managing fear of failure in our Crash Course on Mindset.